I learned the idea of the "Should Monster" from Cartoonist turned Creativity Guru Jessica Abel. This guy makes me feel so guilty about not drawing. I have felt very uncreative for weeks since the the School of Visual Arts fiasco. There are 3 weeks left and I haven't decided if I am going to go or quit. 

It's ok to press pause and reflect. Artists reflect. I have a few new ideas that are just starting to bubble up. An AT&T repairman reacted so positively to my oil paintings that actually felt like I might draw or paint again. Thanks Woody.

​The light of creativity is still under horizon but I'm starting to see the reflection of the sun. I am an orange moon. 

Three times in the last year I have sought instruction from "professionals."

Each time I feel more torn down than built up. I go through a depression and don't want to draw because these teachers challenge my style . I fill with self doubt and hate myself.  

I worked for three days on my first animation turn around. I am the first to admit that it was not perfect but it was a beginning. The teacher would not even watch the mp4 and immediately went in the PSD with the dreaded red "pencil."

In one of my meetups, I realized that all three pro art teachers were Men. Looking back even further, my male high school art teacher convinced me that I didn't have the chops for art school education. I don't want to be man hater. I have men in my life that I love very much, but if I am logical....my female art teachers have built me up and the male ones have crushed me. Hmmmm. 

Part of my perfectionist recovery to stop seeking approval from the Art School patriarchy. I'm going to go forward with the Lynda Barry philosophy of "Making Comics" and not look back or UP.  KvM

Sometimes you get a little bit of success. You think you are free and clear of perfectionism. You are feeling fulfilled, satisfied,...dare I say happy? So you need to put an end to that feeling. It is not comfortable to feel like you are on the right track. You are used to judgement, criticism, not being enough. So you return to the well and bring someone off the benches to make you feel bad. Even worse, you pay someone to do this. 
Today, I did just that. I invited criticism into my journey and it completely derailed me. Four years ago, I had tried to work with a comics teacher and it did not go well. Others adore this teacher. I had convinced myself that I had misjudged. I returned to the same well and felt that old familiar feeling of failure, self-judgement and perfectionism. Nothing I was doing was right. This teacher confirmed that I was a failure and I paid for it. I felt sad all day. I am writing this down to remind myself that I am on a journey. I am enough. The way I draw is ok I am funny. I have something to say. I am the Elephant. Get the fuck out of my way. 

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​www.elephantandegg.com